Tribute to my mother

This is one topic i have been trying to avoid for a long time. The irony is that i started writing these blogs and musings about life when my mom was diagnosed with cancer.
The pain and hurt was too much when she expired and after a gap of 3 years i started writing once again, to keep a promise i made to her to take the Journey within.

Mother, what is it that i can say which any one cannot add to or just shake their head and say yes that's so true about my mom.
With childbirth, a mother is born.  My link to this world was my mom. I held her finger when i took my first step, she was the first person who kissed my forehead with a smile on her face. She was the first person who said ' I love you' to me.
When i think of her i have a smile on my face and a tear drop escaping from my eyes with hurried steps. I have realised one thing, death changes nothing. There has not been a day that i have not thought of her. Sometimes i feel her around me in my hour of need. When i am upset or sad, that's the time i miss her the most. That's the time i realise, how much meaning she brought to my life. She was my pillar of strength and my best friend. There was nothing i could not talk to her, it was amazing with her wit she would take all my faults and give me advise. Strangely i would actually follow her advise. She has been the only human being in my life who could say or make me do anything.
I never realised what i had till the time i did not lose her to time. I wish at times i had spent time with her. Always busy with my work, with my phone and my friends. I never realised the lost time with her will haunt me after she was gone. There are so many things i wish i had done with her. Places to visit, movies to watch, shopping to be done, just spending time with her and being there for her is what i never did as i was busy with my life.
I am her reflection, i cannot deny this. When i look in the mirror i see traces of her in me. I deal with certain situations just like i have all my life seen her dealing with. Many similarities yet there was a distance between the two of us. Somehow in my sub conscious i always knew she is there for me.
Today when i look back, the work was worthless to what i have lost. I cannot turn back the time, but somehow the passion i had for my work went away with her. All of a sudden it was worthless.
I made a promise that day, not to have another regret in my life because of my priorities being warped.
Many a times we face situations, where we have not enough time for our loved ones and with our busy lifestyle we let go of those precious moments, thinking we will have time later. As the saying goes" Time waits for no one" and sometimes we are lucky to get a wake up call early in life and at times we lose a lot for us to realise that what we have are just these moments.
My blogs are a tribute to my mother, a journey within for me to find true meaning of life.

Journey Within: Serendipity

Journey Within: Serendipity: Ever met a stranger who walks into your life just at the right moment? Ever felt that when things need a different turn in your life, stran...

Serendipity

Ever met a stranger who walks into your life just at the right moment? Ever felt that when things need a different turn in your life, strange things happen to converge, to change your life direction.
We all have faced this situation, call it coincidence, destiny or in plain simple language Deja vu .
When things have to happen they happen, irrespective of what force we use , to not let anything change.
A wise man once said "There is nothing known as coincidence". I have felt this many a times and sometimes i just sit back and watch the dance of destiny. Its mesmerising and as it unfolds itself, new avenues come up.
We are the people who don't like changes in our life. We need to be in control of everything that happens in our life and the question that arises is with every change which we face, Is this what i want? Where will this lead me? Questions and doubts is what we always face whenever something different is happening to us other than what we are used to.
We are creatures of habit and there is no way that we want to move from our comfort zones and accept without doubt. This all sounds like a management or spiritual lessons. But in truth these are all half baked ideas, very motivating if i say" Be the change" even more spiritual if i say " Only thing constant is change" and maybe an award winning note " Never give up".
All half baked ideas which our mind sets to be within the circle of control we want to be in.
Let there be a chance for destiny to play its role in our life. I like people who say destiny is what i make. I also like people who are resilient and never give up. I like people who are very patient too! So in brief i like everyone, but then am i willing to lead this mediocre life ? or do i really want to follow the path which is already in motion for me?
Is making a million + dollars going to give me happiness, one question which i constantly ask. Then i shrug and say i love luxury and i like a good life. therefore yes i tick on having a million + dollars in my band account. But then how much do i require to live this life? Now as my wants increase my balance starts looking very small in comparison. There is no end to wants and needs in this world. This is a user friendly highly addictive new world. Again a very mediocre living if you ask me. its not that i am complaining of making more money and working harder to attain to the balance i want in my account.
Yet if i look within, i find something missing. I definitely don't want to open a NGO and give back to society as i was too busy making money all my life. Something cajoles me, something keeps telling me to follow my path.
It has happened to me that i am doing something and all of a sudden there is deja vu. I have been here before, or i have said the same words before etc. If we look closely its our path calling us and we in our moment feel the deja vu but just walk out of it. The day i was meditating and i got the vision of creating a place of peace and happiness for all (in poetic words create Utopia) thats the day Soul Studio was born.
I never thought i would write these blogs for starters , never thought i would be involved in quantum healing, never thought that i would be teaching people how to meditate or be a life coach. So many never's yet not a single thing i am doing was on my priority list. This sounds very strange, something which was not even in my vision is what i enjoy doing today. I am getting introduced to more people who are pulling me deeper within this and i am somehow just going with the flow.
I believe i am following my path, when will it suddenly change i have no answer. But when you let destiny role its dice, just sit back and enjoy the journey.
I don't know how many of you would agree that life offers us many chances, its us who let go of many because of our fears and doubts.
Open your heart and let the dance of energy take you through the journey of your lifetime.

Believe

There is a reflection in water, as i watch it closely, it stares back at me. Calm, still water and there i see two pairs of eyes looking back at me.
I see no reflection of a thought in the eyes that stare back, all i see is the calmness which engulfs the environment. Then suddenly a ripple comes, i move from my spot and the eyes become hazy and vanish. I see clear blue sky reflecting now back at me.
Was this my thought or it had actually happened? I am in a daze as the eyes staring back at me haunt my inner desire to believe in what i saw. Its not that i dont understand reflection or looking at my own image is haunting me. Its the cold stare back at me, as if someone is looking at me from a third person perspective which is making me think.
Is it possible that i am thinking and my own reflection is just looking with no thoughts and judgement? Is it possible to be looking at own actions and without a thought.
I move towards the edge to once again look at the eyes. This time i see them mocking me , while i want a serious answer all i can feel is a mock stare. This is strange, first blank and now a mock. I cannot understand my emotions and i take a deep breath and move away.
The thought lingers with me, while i am driving. I cannot understand my own reflection. I claim to undertsand people and know them, yet i cannot fathom for the love of this universe what my own reflection was saying to me.
At times its just a gesture of our eyes or our body language which says more than what we can say with words. Its more to feel and believe in than to just hear the words.
There is an old saying which i guess goes this way " Be carefull of what you hear or see, till the time your heart does not believe in it, do not believe in it."
My logic says this is not possible. The truth can only be ascertained by hearing and looking at something. We can come up with phantoms and start imagining things. I agree it sounds very strange but then i also believe that our heart does know what we are seaching for.
My journey within has taken many twists and turns, my belief in myself has increased and i am grateful that i took a chance on myself. The eyes have taught me enough , to not have a reasonable doubt come in my mind when i am focussed on getting a job done.
I cannot understand that we look for people all our life to guide us, mentor us, be our spiritual guru's , we believe in everyone but not ourselves? Maybe this is a repetitive question in all my blogs, because i cannot understand the low self esteem which so many have in this world. Strangely the one with huge attitudes don't understand that the superiority complex comes from deep sub conscious low esteem. Very very strange but true. So if we remove these two complexes what do we have left? Just our selves, and what percentage of people are truly just themselves in this made up world of ours?
Fear of acceptance, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being outcast, fear of being alone... the list goes on and we never stop to be just us and believe in ourselves. When was the last time we just said our thoughts out aloud?
The eyes can laugh, they can mock, they can give a cold stare we are ok with us being in a situation of confusion inside, rather than creating a space for ourselves. Our desire and need to fit in this society is too primate for our own existence.
Be it at work or personal, we need to be accepted. We need to follow the rules or we are scared of being outcast. This insecurity and desire of acceptance is really very sad, how can a person who is the part of this cosmos and has so much to offer to this world be so primate in thinking?

Eventually there will come a time when we will start believing in Ourselves. We will follow our heart and it will set us free. 

Hour Glass

If i had an hour glass, would i turn back the time with it or would like to see my future in it? I am not sure how i would react to any of the options.
Each moment i live is my legacy which i leave behind, without any knowledge of what i am leaving. If the turns in life were predictable, then we will all be story tellers and editing our life to our expectations and liking. The hour glass can be turned to start the time once again, but what about the moments which have passed away with the grains of sand? Do they start all over again or it is our past , passes in flashes as we move forward. Like sitting in a car and watching trees go by, at times we see a beautiful sight, and turn our head backwards just to catch a glimpse once more.
It is said that the past behaviours, pave way for future and our present is spend just remnising the past and thinking of the future.
I want to live this moment, i want to feel every essence of me in this moment, i want to feel my soul living every moment as i take a breath in and feel the nothingness which engulfs me to make me everything. One breath and thats all it takes to live or die.
Past is what i was, future will be what i can become and this moment is when i am alive. The significance of this moment can only be felt when my breath fuses with the soul, the slow beating of my heart can feel the echo of a sound in the distance. Its only when i live this moment can i be united with the universe, i am myself.
My past cannot be changed, what was yesterday will remain behind me. My future is fluid, what ever i do today will lead to my tomorrow. My today is mine and every moment in today, takes me further away from my yesterday and closer to my tomorrow. But between these is my moments which will transform me from being a speck to being the speck in the universe.
Maybe in my mind my moments are very precious, maybe to you or to anyone its means nothing. But then i want to live my moments not yours. I dont want to spoil my magic by looking into my future. I want to be free in my mind, i want to live every moment as a gift and a surprise.
The past has taught me and i have moved forward , so will i turn the grains of sand to change anything in my past? No way! i would probably do the same things i did all over again.. taking a glimpse of all things gone bye and saying what a time i have had and yes i am glad i have lived a simple and fun life.
If only i could have a sneak peak in my future would i let go of my crazy fantasy of just living each moment?
How dorky can i sound, offcourse every one wants to know the future or go back in time to change something. Who cares of Now, its my future i need to look into! Well this is how anyone would react if i had an hour glass to look into the future.

Remember Yourself

There comes a spiritual moment, among all of us and that at times, is the turning point for many to follow our heart.

I don't know when my turning point happened. Was it when i was 3 years and told my mom that i am not scared of God and that god is within me.

or was it that when i told her,  take care of me and i will make everything happen for you. This sounds strange coming from a 3 year old or a 5 year old. But somehow it was said, with no logic behind.

Many times its said that renouncing our desires, and keeping a calm mind, accepting everything one finds nirvana.

Now if i don't know my desires or i have not lived my desires, what am i renouncing? It's confusing to me to renounce, as long as i live the desire and the desire is not living me, whats there to renounce. I feel detachment should be the word than renouncing, but then neither am i a saint, nor a literary person to debate.

Somehow this renouncing, attaining nirvana is very intriguing and to go further within the journey i took on the task of understanding what this means. 

I found something which baffled me initially, overtime i would meditate the only question which came to me was "Remember yourself"

Now i was confused, remember myself as in how? 

How many of us go through the journey called life and live different roles? How many of us find our lives interweaving and interconnecting with all our desires and frustrations? How many of us play different roles in different relationships, and how many of us remember who we are?

We spend years , trying to find bliss, we spend all our time in finding the right guru, we spend each moment, clinging to some one else's words and somehow never find anything. 

Somehow i felt that i was doing something wrong with my meditation, it was not nirvana which i really wanted, i just wanted myself. 

I am born a human, i am born to make mistakes as i am a human. I am born with desires, i am born with attraction, i am born with hunger, i am born with greed, deceit, aggression, killer instinct, i am just a human.

This is who i am, now if you ask a lion to become a vegetarian, who is a fool here? My innate nature is who i am, i can let go of I to become what? 

I am not a disciple, never was meant to be a slave, i am a free thinker, i am who? Too scared to even imagine the "who". This is our conditioning, this is our legacy to the coming generations.

The answer lies within, to me finding myself is my Nirvana. 

I am the Universe.

Now lets live life as it unfolds its beauty.

Love is Magik

Love, the only emotion in this world.

I love you is what a mother tells her new born, there is an unconditional connect between the two. A child when hurt, runs to the mother as she is the only one in this world who can magically make the pain go away.
Looking around i see different forms of love, each one of them delicately bonded with some promise. It's this unspoken promise which makes all these relations buzz with love, remove this promise or condition and you see love falling like domino's and turning into hatred, jelousy, envy, greed etc etc.
Where is the love, when a couple decide's to divorce? Where is the love between two lovers who had promised to be together for life and suddenly part ways. Then we have people mourning the love which never was theirs.
Love, this one word has so many stories. Some people give a big sigh when they think of Love, some get lost in forgotten memories, while some have a smile on their face. Yet to many love is very elusive.
Why do people say ' falling in love is not easy' and one which we hear more often is ' love is blind'. So many perceptions and feelings towards a simple feeling known as Love.
I was once told by a spiritual person, Love is magik!!! I never understood this one sentence for a long time. Then oneday while meditating i felt this light which was piercing through me and the feeling was pure magik. I could feel love all around me and there was nothing which i expected from anyone in return. It was scary in the beginning from my entire benign existence was on the idea that there is an unspoken promise or expectation when you love.
The feeling, which i have since then felt is just love. You can sense it all around, and when love is there, one feels no other emotion.
Love is not sex, neither it is a relationship which can only be among family, lovers or friends. Love to me is loving everyone, no exceptions. Love i guess is just love. Words cannot express this simple word, love is simple and why complicate love when love does not want to be complicated.

At times i wonder, if the miracle and magic which the ancients spoke about.... Was it Love they were talking about?

Love the most powerful magic of all.

I have a dream.....

I have a dream.....
At times i wonder what do we all dream off? Is it our ambitions and aspirations fused with our frustrations is what our sub concious churns out night after night. Or is it what we want from life comes in forms of day dreaming.
Its a mystery which has baffled me for a very long time. What is it we dream. I dont remember any dream of mine till date. Not even sure if i dream, so now i am really worried. Is it that i have no ambitions n aspirations or am i lucky to accept life as it is so i sleep soundly?
If frued was alive, maybe he would have given my this 'No Dream' condition some exotic name without even understanding, but as everything, human needs to be placed in a category so maybe i would have been categorised .We have human categories and interpretation of dreams, we have psychiatrists being leaders in analysing our dreams and our inadequacy of accepting life as it is.
Sad, really sad that we need people to interpret life for us.
A dream is a dream, at times our soul talks to us when we are completely relaxed, at times we get answers to our problems in this state. Many a times our masks are off and we feel the real us in our dream state.
Whatever be the dream, its just within us and we spent precious time to understand our dreams than ourselves!
What if someday in life, we get to know that what ever we have learned till date about human categories and dreams is out of date and new data as per now new age computers is ..... What will many people do? They have lived their lives with these interpretations, wow now its interesting because we always looked outside for all answers. It has to be logical and backed with hard evidence.

Somehow we forget one hard evidence 'Ourselves', we somehow stopped believing in ourselves. How strange this is, we believe in strangers but not in ourselves.
Many of great people have had a dream, and they have followed their heart. Nothing has stopped them, people will be people and anything which does not fit in the control freak mentality of our society is a threat. Maybe these great people never wanted to fit in this society and believed in themselves and their thought. What if these people had got scared and wanted to be accepted? What if they had like many had worn masks to be accepted, then probably we would have never got any thought process, no spiritualism, nothing but just interpretations.
Strangely these people have huge following till date after all the resistance they faced when alive.

We are all miracles and the miracle is within us.

I have a dream of all being equal, no racism, no power among a few, a boundary less world which belongs to all (human, animals, plants etc) No war, no poverty , no judgment. I have a dream of Utopia!!
Maybe this is unrealistic and very difficult to even start, but still i have a dream. No mask, no words to please any one, not even trying, forget want to fit in this control freak society. Just a dream of a loving and fulfilling world which has moved ahead of all this low mentality of control.

I believe in people, there is something good in everything i see!

What is your dream?