I dont regret the things i did. I regrets the things i did not do when i had a chance.
Looking back i often wonder what would have been, if i had done this or that. These questions raise a slight fervour in me, as i don't know the outcome of what could or would have been. Would i have led a different life if i had followed the road which opened up for me but i was too scared and stuck to the known? I will never have the answer to any of these questions which take me down the memory lane.
How often does one go down memory lane and relook at the scenes of our life? How often do we imagine a different story than the one which is happening currently? I don't know but i do know that queasy feeling when it comes and for a split second we are in an alternate world.
I remember asking my mom on her deathbed , what was she thinking? All she said to me was her life story was written not by her, but by circumstances and she played her part. And she has many regrets as she did not live life as per her terms. For that moment i had my regret of not fully understanding my mom and it was too late for me to do any thing about her regrets. I could see the vacant eyes with no dreams but full of sadness and i did not want to say goodbye to mom like this. I guess she realised the dilemma i was in, immediately after she had said these words, her next sentence was " I could never be strong, but i am happy that you my daughter , you are a very strong woman and i have lived my life through you as you don't compromise and live life by your terms."
That was the day 4 years ago, i understood one question which comes to us probably only on our last breath. My life, what did i do?
That was the turning point for me too. A workaholic by nature, no time for any one other than my work, all of a sudden i saw a change in my thinking. Work yes still priority but on my terms. No more deadlines as per any one else other than me. I realised that moment that we can either be slaves of what is expected out of us or we create a life taking chances on our own terms.
I saw a lot of flutter and shaking happening around me when my perspective and mindset changed about my life. But my resilience to be who i am and follow my heart prevailed all challenges faced by me from work , friends , family etc.
One day i thought about making a bucket list of what all i want from my life. I sat down and watched the empty page open on my laptop and the blinking cursor and i could not think of one thing to start this list. I was baffled and kept thinking but no even after half hour nothing. I went into meditation to find the answer of this blankness which had enveloped me. Through this journey within, the findings baffled me more for few days and then the answer came to me.
All my life i have never looked back at my actions or repercussions of my actions. My actions were necessary for me to move forward in my life. Future is an unknown territory on which i had no control of. Best laid plans stay as plans when the dice is rolled and often one gets an odd number when expecting a full house of six. I had through out lived life by moments, these moments made my life and i had said my gratitude when ever change happened.
This feeling has stayed with me always , yet it felt alien at first when i took the journey within. I realised my happiest moments were when i had not compromised on what i believed in. Sorry is the most abused word in our vocabulary. We mean to say and do things which our heart desires and then due to our fears and scared of losing we promptly say sorry. I realised i could count on my fingers when i have said sorry and this shocked me. I also realised when i felt i had over stepped on someone's boundary, i was the first to make amends. Therefore ego was very low on my chart of fulfilment.
This discovery let me to believe that my bucket list was non existent , as my life was my best seller and to take chances to feel alive was my mantra. Was i so selfish all my life? or did i understand that each one of us is playing a role. The question that arises is do i follow a given script to have harmony around or do i paint the canvas as per my liking? I am sure we all find these crossroads every moment of our life. Some follow the script to be accepted, while some take chances and make their own place.
But in the end what matters is that we have.....
A conscience without regrets .. to live life without having to say you are sorry!!
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